What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:46
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Would this be the day?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why is Trump so disliked worldwide?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why is going on a date today so much different than it was when I was young?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
When she asked me how she looked .
But ive been too sick for many years..
All the time i was locked up.
What is the most inappropriate experience you have had with a friend's daughter?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ive learnt so much.
Can relationship issues cause depression?
But it wasn’t much.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
What's your take on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? How has it affected you?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What does it mean when someone says "I'm feeling frisky"?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
She loved him until the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He resisted the act ,that day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im still living with it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I waited trembling.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He knew the spot.
I said to her
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
This is soul school!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My family never makes their pension either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We all went to grammer schools
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I have no regrets .
What did i know ?
I think the readers, may guess!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I will be 64.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Who then, do I blame.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She found it foreign!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)